Tuesday, November 23, 2004

This past weekend saw a basketball brawl in the stands in Detroit, an on-field fight between two college football squads--all this a week after a handful of pro football players in Cleveland concluded their pre-games warm-ups by punching each other in the face. Violence and sports certainly is a problem, and, while many are chastizing and moralizing, I am fraternizing with a solution to the problem.

It is clear that professional sports and college institutions are harboring terrorists. It's also clear that these miscreants are trying to make weapons of mass destruction--or at least of minor destruction (the gateway weapon). Did you see the crying children? Did you see the explosion of fists, cups and blood (possibly ketchup)? This kind of horror cannot be tolerated. We simply cannot allow this kind of brutality to be forced upon America by these violent individuals who cause fear, 430 instant replays and a boost in ratings.

Our only recourse is a premptive strike.

We must destroy the NBA. If they continue to harbor terrorists (and they most certainly will), we must invade, dismantle all weapons (including hook shots) and depose the tyranical NBA commisioner. We will roll on. We will fight the good fight. We will bring democracy to the NBA and make sure only the white guys get paid a lot of money. And if the NFL, NHL and other professional sports do not get the message then we will deal with them preemptively too. We will leave professional bowlers alone because they are too slow to do much harm. But we will watch them closely.

But we cannot stop there. What about the fans? Are they not too harboring terrorists? I'm sure I saw somebody of Middle Eastern persuasion in the stands leading the fisticuffs against our NBA players. Okay, maybe the oafish white guy in the blue jacket throwing random sucker punches wasn't Mid-Eastern, but he was certainly Mid-Western--and that is just as dangerous. We must dismantle the fans. All of them. If they resist, we will not back down. We know where we stand. We will not rest until every American is safe and that will not happen while Americans are unsafe. Once we have freed the stands of all fans, the stands will be free to follow their destinies. The stands will govern themselves and hold elections . . . free elections with no fans to spill beer on them, harass them with feet or indimate them with loud clapping motions after a dunk.

This is only a start, but I think we have to start somewhere. That somewhere is here and that sometime is now. We will not rest until Rush Limbaugh says we are safe or something that is not entirely silly. Until the war on terrorism is won, we are all losers. And America is not about losing but winning (even if we have to cheat), and winning is what we do.

Or somebody gets his ass kicked.


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